It’s been a doozie!
I saw my buddy, Cain, while I was East in the Land of Nod. I was frightened out by this hellacious spaghetti monster so I headed off to Damascus where I was struck blind by a light and I met a nice angel. I got a ride to Jerusalem by a mysterious bird whose name sounded presidential. After came a huge rain, forty days and nights! I got washed out to sea where I was swallowed by a huge fish, not a whale, but a fish. I spent three stinking nights in its belly when it finally puked me up on the beach (after the waters from the flood receded, of course). My angel later showed up again with some gold plates with a language only I could translate, upon which the angel flew the plates back up to Heaven.
That’s where I’ve been all this time.
Now those plates, well, they’ve given me the key to all that is good and evil. They are a source of wisdom and make me an arbiter of justice. I’m setting up our temple to share it all with the world. All of mankind will one day recognize me a the legitimate heir in a long line of prophets. And Thursday will be our new holy day as Friday, Saturday and Sunday are taken. Since it is your duty to help me spread the word we except you to pitch in your share of cash when I pass the plate around.
You follow me?
If you won’t then you can burn in Hell with the rest of the infidels and sinners. As for my followers? I’m more than sure we’ll be able to find some who will drink my Kool-Aid.